Saturday, September 20, 2003

*Looks at the last post* Somehow it's different in Chinese.

Well, if wants to be with the hawker, I'm not going to watch tVee anymore. Until something else happens. I wanted to watch [She's all that]--starring Rachael Leigh Cook and Freddie Prince Jr but I fell asleep at eight-something.

I was miffed at my brother's "I-won't-shut-up-you-shut-up-first" attitude and was going to slap him; knocked his head again. Especially when he said, "It's not pain, it's not pain."[If you want to be grammatically correct, it should be "It's not painful." Don't forget to add a sing-song voice.] Well, actually he taunted. Perhaps I shouldn't have done that, but growing up in a house where caning used to be the choice of discipline, I guess it just came to me. I should get rid of this "habit". No one likes to be around violent people.

My mom came up to say that I was wrong, blah...etc. I was even more miffed and told her I hated my brother. Perhaps I don't, I hate his attitude more. He was totally devoid of respect. He only has respect for his teacher. Even then, I'm not sure whether it's a "hey-friend-I-totally-respect-you" or respect for a teacher. I suspect it leans more towards the "friends-respect-each-other" kind of thing, which is so not the point of being friends with a surly p6er when you're a teacher. But his teacher can't control his thoughts, so there.

I started getting all upset with myself, especially when she said, "You're no better than him, he's no better than you." Told her to get out, has she finished etc. Yup, really rude. But that's what I'm like when I'm angry or upset---rude. I don't care who you are if you start telling me that I'm lousy or I'm not good enough etc, I'll just think of a really mean remark that suits your weakest weakness. Being rude is a facade for me, because I feel more powerful, like I can control those smart retorts and hit back at people where it hurts the most--without violence. Or I'll just clam up like an oyster not wanting to reveal its pearl to the greedy pearl dealers.

Lying back towards the bed, I looked up into the darkness and all these sentences starting shouting all at once. Like "I hate school, I hate my life, I hate everything" and I guess the thought of doing so badly for my prelims sank it finally, because I started crying. I was already on the verge of brawling after my mom left the room with a bang but like I said, everything started to get me at once and I was insusceptible to them.

This is my reflection I guess. Not to act so brash and count to ten. Then go up to my room and switch the computer on, so that I'll be able to lament or rant or rave to my friends or to my blog.

littlegirl starlet--------------7:03 am