the littlegirl starlet poses she's lovely and adorable with a tinge of innocence and an air of naivety
she's a star
layout by:-candlelight*
Friday, October 10, 2003
i think i'm ready to tell you the truth. i shall not let my heart be a habour to these evil thoughts anymore.
i am jealous of you. i envy you. i can't stand it that i'm not as good. i am cold towards you because i can't bring myself to talk to you. perhaps you'll never get an audible word from me anymore; perhaps i can only type to you. that's because i hurt too much. it's too painful for me.
vehmently i cry, "Life is so unfair!". what can i do? i can and i will do many things. because i've decided to tell you the truth. i feel better and i will have to ignore everything my heart tells me. i'm just going to listen to my brain now. what do you think?
littlegirl starlet--------------11:44 pm
here i am, on a friday morning, 4.09am. by the time i finish writing this, time would have already passed. it's drizzling a fine drizzle outside; beyond the comforts of my room. i am dry, inside; whereas the ground has been pardoned from a parched condition. i don't even know why i'm here.
i can't sleep. i'm thinking; thinking about my life; thinking about the friends i have; thinking about a lot of things. sometimes i shouldn't think so much. it's bad for me.
if i think about buying this particular thing, i wonder:
- will i use it?
- it is useful?
- why do i need it?
- what purpose does it serve?
- oh it's so cute/cool/nice, but i don't need it, right?
- most importantly, how much does it cost?
*this list is not exhaustive!(or so, in the words of the english teacher)
i don't just think about all these once, i think them over and over. if i'm too taxed to think anymore, i just say, "ok, i'll come back another day, another month." because i presume i would have made up my mind by then. but that's never the case. the next time i come back, i just go through the whole thought process again and... ... it's a vicious cycle.
indecisive? you may call me that but i wouldn't care. label me, judge me by your own standards and i still wouldn't care. it's true, i don't tell you how to live your life so don't tell me how to live yours. is it such a bloody crime? i don't kill anyone, no blood's lost, no one's hurt.
then again, if i go through this thought process for menial decisions like these, could you imagine the important decisions? i do go through this thought process and often manage to come up with a conclusion. sometimes it's not my choice but if you don't make a decision, other people or circumstances make them for you. i don't like it, but that's my punishment.
littlegirl starlet--------------4:17 am
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Writing in your own diary/journal IS certainly different from writing in your blog. a blog is for all to see; sometimes you don't know who's reading, therefore there is a tendency to be less truthful. also less insipid. you wouldn't want to be seen as dumb , shallow or silly, would you?
so right now i'm wondering, why do i keep a blog? why did i ever keep a blog? i don't know, really. at first it was just because of novelty, now... ... i'm seriously thinking about deleting it. people don't have the time to come here anyway, and it's not like my writings are meant to be published for the world to see.
why would anyone find my life interesting? even i don't find it that fascinating.
littlegirl starlet--------------8:20 pm
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
honestly, i'm here because i can't bear to face the music. i lack the courage to face them, especially that girl. my will is not strong enough; not yet at least. but like i said, i'll build up my confidence. slowly but surely. i thought the Lord would make everything right, but what He does is to give you the strength; so that you may emerge victorious.
i haven't received my share of today's strength, Lord. would you mind sending it to me? thank You.
i know i'm running away, for today. but i simply can't walk into those rooms, pretending to be gay and free. today i gain control of my feelings, and suppress the madness that fills my soul. i just need a break. please.
*loves and hates
loves this layout
loves the OC
hates falling
*songlist
Everywhere you go. Shawn Mullins.
Lullaby. Shawn Mullins.
Sail Away. Vertical Horizon.
I don't want to be. Gavin Degraw.
Storybook Life. Blessed Union of Soul.
Someday. Nickelback.
Grow Up. Garbage.
Higher. Creed.
Back Here. Bbmak.
Pinch Me. Smashmouth.
Dare to Live. Switchfoot.
I think God can explain. Splendor.
Jaded. Aerosmith.
It's all been done. Barenaked Ladies.
Save Me. Unwritten Law.