the littlegirl starlet poses she's lovely and adorable with a tinge of innocence and an air of naivety
she's a star
layout by:-candlelight*
Thursday, November 27, 2003
ok everyone is putting up lists. here's mine, a mix of everything.
rachael's list for Nov/Dec 2003 1. lose 5 kg (or more)
2. tone my arms and thighs
3. buy new sleeveless tops after i've toned my arms. heh.
4. get a tan
5. buy new books to read
6. borrow books to read
7. practise writing
8. make christmas presents
9. go out with friends
10. lose 5 more kg. haha.
11. buy a new bag for school
12. new shoes? maybe not
13. sports unmentionables
14. ankle socks
i think that's all. here's another.
rachael's exercise plan for nov/dec 2003 1. jog every morning
2. 20 push-ups after morning jog
3. 30 sit-ups after morning jog
4. jog every evening
5. 20 push-ups after evening jog
6. 30 sit-ups after evening jog
littlegirl starlet--------------10:44 pm
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
i had a horrible dream. all of us were in a school, after the exams. suddenly, the chinese teachers started to get us to sit down and handed out pieces of paper. there were many students and it was rather noisy. it was a messy sight. after some sort of briefing, the crowds dispersed for a break. no one knew what was happen but since there were chinese teachers, i thought it was the chinese 'O's oral exam.
i was scratching my head, wondering why there was another oral exam when we'd already finished our exams. after the break, we congregated in a wide area and in front of us were all these steps. it seemed to be so steep. they asked us to check our register numbers and even though our numbers didn't seem to be right, no one did anything. so we just dumbly sat there.
there were rows and rows of chinese teachers sitting in pairs, behind the school desks, just like chinese oral. it was very complicated and when one teacher told us where to go after our number was called, i couldn't understand. all i could do was to wait and follow the person in front of me.
when my number was called, i frantically ran up the stone steps and when i reached the top, i was overwhelmed by the sight of rows of teachers. my mind went blank and i just stood there in terror. after a while, i scanned the tables in front of me. there were so many teachers, i didn't know who to go to.
so i just walked straight up to the nearest one. and sat down. she didn't look at me, nor respond to my greeting. disheartened, i got up and walked to the table next to it. as i sat down, the teacher cruelly said, "weren't you paying attention to the instructions just now? you don't even know how to get to the correct seat!" and made me feel very, very stupid. with a sinking feeling, i thought, "oh no, she thinks i'm stupid! i'm not going to get a good grade for this oral exam!"
the male teacher beside her held what seemed to be a question paper and started the exam or test or whatever. the first 3 questions were IQ questions and i didn't know the answer to any! he seemed to be smirking as he said, "you don't even know these? tsk." and then he asked me questions about scenarios and how i would respond to them-basically EQ questions. i had an equal number to ticks and crosses and when i saw that, i knew it wasn't a good thing. as the teachers looked at me with disapproving eyes, i cried, "please let me take the test again! i promise i know the answers! please, please!"
it seemed to be a matter of life and death. resignedly, the male teacher agreed and i heaved a sigh of relief. the first question was "does nomstry stretch for kilometres?" i didn't even know what was "nomstry" and i said, "no, it couldn't have." and the next question was "what is nomstry? one, a place in germany. two, a super mail carrier(or something like that). three,(i can't remember). i said one, which contradicts the first answer because if it was a place, it would have stretched for kilometres. i realised the error but it was too late. the male teacher raised his eyebrow and said, "i'm sorry, you couldn't even answer those two questions correctly. even if you did the test again, your results would be the same. and it is dangerous. the only way you can safely pass the test is that if a teacher close to you in school vouches for you. i'm sorry, you are a nice girl."
i was devastated. i wasn't smart enough! i was not smart enough for... for whatever the test was for! my teachers' faces raced through my mind, i only had two teachers whom i'd ever talked to. my form teacher and biology teacher. i realised i wasn't close to any teacher because in school, i'd refused to get close to any of them because i couldn't trust them. it was terrible feeling, that i would end up like this because i knew no teacher who would help me and speak of my good qualities.
i got up and left. along the way i met this guy from channel u, the one who acts as 'david' in "ok!no problem". he was the same age as now but he took the test too! i guess he went back to school. i asked him how he did and he said pretty well but it was because he had gone through the test before when he was my age and he knew they were going to ask those type of IQ questions. i could only dejectedly reply, "you are so lucky."
and for some reason, we walked into a library with no books. the chairs and tables were there but no shelves. i spotted one table, where my friend was seated and we made our way towards her. there were a lot of tkgs girls in uniforms and even tkgs primary school girls. all of a sudden the librarian asked, "who is a tkgs girl?" and when my friend whispered to her, she added "and tkgs primary school girl?" almost everyone raised their hand except that guy and i and i was like, so embarrassed because i didn't fit in anywhere. everyone was so smart.
i woke up thinking, "oh no i'm not smart enough! i am not smart enough..."
littlegirl starlet--------------11:10 am
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
i have decided that when i go out to orchard during the christmas season, i want to walk among the lighted streets of orchard with that special someone (if there ever is a special someone) after the sun sets. would we go hand in hand? i don't know, maybe, maybe not. i'm not a fan of pda(public display of affection). not even holding hands. heh.
ok maybe only maybe if there's a huge crowd. we would leisurely stroll down, past wisma, past taka, maybe a u-turn past paragon. we would just walk and walk and silently admire the glittering street lights. oh look! the hanging coloured fairy lights which hang across the trees. the huge silver tree-like umbrellas which have alternating green and red stripes! the crowd which is wearing a happy face, the sparkling sound of bell chimes. don't you just love it, mr. that-special-someone?
it's not that romantic seeing as how christmas in orchard is getting more overrated and commercialised every year but it's just the atmosphere. you know everyone's down there, just to get a glimpse of the night sky littered with pretty bright "stars", even though they have to be rushing home or they have to go back to work or something. it just catches your heart and fills it with a kind of warmth you can only experience this festive season.
even though i'm not an advocate of relationships, it would be nice; a warm, fuzzy feeling, like a snug sweater in a cold, wintry night in london by the fire. it's nice to share these things with someone but then again, it would be a little painful without, especially if you part just before christmas. ouch ouch ouch.
have you ever dreamt about how it would be like? spending some time each day, week, month, year? with your beau? heh. beau (pronounced as 'bow'.bah!). sure it would be all hearts and flowers but when things turn sour, your heart feels as though it has been wrenched straight out of your heart, with a dagger through it. either you go berserk or you remain behind a sane cover.
littlegirl starlet--------------10:49 pm
Monday, November 24, 2003
blogger is driving me nuts! first, it screws up my lovely template, then it copies my entry. what is wrong with it? count to ten...one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. ahh, i feel better, i think. i really have nothing else to do. i'm afraid to pick up my book because i'd finish it within a day. i'm drawn to books like a moth to a flame. i think i should go to the library tomorrow and borrow. no no, i can't because i'm bringing a small bag! i'll think of something.
oh yes, went out with audrey last thursday and the entry is still hanging in the air. heh. anyway, i saw yu ping. she looks totally grown-up and she was wearing a tube top with a black skirt. surprisingly, it isn't a mini. the hemline was like gradually growing longer, if you know what i mean. i guess i can trust her to look good, as usual.
audrey dear(dangerous tone), was wearing a skirt and basically, all the girls on orchard are wearing skirts and i felt so out because i was wearing my beach clothes. i was going to the beach after that. argh, which reminds me of my resolution to lose all those fat in order to look good in skirts. here i go again, ranting about my legs. honestly. i feel like tearing my hair out. ok not.
next time i go out with audrey dear, i'll have to wear my nice girlie clothes. don't want to look too boyish next to her. i told you, i'm sick of wearing my beach berms all the time. it's not as though this is california and i'm a surfer babe. it's not that i want to look like a grown-up, i just want to look nicer, you know what i mean? perhaps even wear a nice(shudder) dress or something. i'm kidding. i have not entirely stepped into the world of dresses galore. thank goodness!
a wedding dinner's coming up and i want to wear nice clothes. the pants in my wardrobe is black and i don't have a top to match it with. i'll snatch a pair of my mom's evening sandles and buy a new top! yay. i won't have to wear my skirt. it's white! gasp, it's lovely but my ahem, back would look rather wide. have to work now, ugh! to fit into my clothes, ugh! pant, pant, it's tiring but worth it!
littlegirl starlet--------------11:27 pm
i knew i shouldn't have tried to put my thoughts to paper, or rather on screen. no, the previous entry wasn't about my ups and downs. it was about me. but like i said, i shouldn't have tried. never mind.
i slept this afternoon, from one to four. man, i haven't slept like that ever since the exams started and ended. wooh, a full solid 3 hours. tends to give me a headache. i'll be going out tomorrow! with ame. i can't wait to go out. better than returning home. i don't want to return home anymore. i'll miss my computer but it is an inanimate object. no matter how much emotion or feeling i try to pour into it, it doesn't respond! it doesn't talk, it doesn't sigh, it just sits there!
i guess that's the good thing about computers, they don't judge you. but pets like dogs are better, they don't judge you and give you unconditional love! but i can't have a dog. too bad, i'd probably have no time to look after it and i may even unleash my fury onto it when my hot temper flares. then i would be sent to jail for doggie-abuse. nah, it's better not to allow a pet live under me.
it's so sad, no animal will ever get my love. instead, i'll give it to humans whom you are never sure of whether they'll betray you someday. they'll get upset with me or be happy for me and they expect to be loved in return. oh no sure they don't say it but doesn't everyone need love. it's too bad i can't have a pet thinking the world of me and just expecting a little pat on the head or an ear rub.
children are like that you say? don't forget, children grow.
i don't even love cats or dogs or animals for that matter. i like them, but i don't love them. i suppose i just enjoy looking at them through a polished glass window and as they raise a paw to say hello, only imagine what it would be like to have a little puppy or kitty prancing around my room at home.
littlegirl starlet--------------9:10 pm
Sunday, November 23, 2003
i'm changing. i can feel it, beneath my wretched skin. but i can't show it to anyone because i'm expected; expected to be the good girl, the sensible one, the polite child. i have to continue, to put up with this charade. because what i say and do affects every single person. that's how my life is, my family is. i do something, my mom finds out, she tells her sister who tells her sister who tells her sister and they all get upset together.
my aunt really doesn't understand me, nor anyone for that matter. no one does. no one can ever even come close to understanding me. even i don't understand myself completely but just a smidgin. she doesn't know i do treat my aunts as my mothers, i understand they care for me so much more because they used to look after me when i was a baby, when i was a child, when ever, as long as i was me. good, quiet, little rachael.
few people fully understand the torture i had gone through all these years. they listen, yes, they criticise, yes but they don't comprehend. perhaps i did not make myself clear enough but it's difficult to. i've managed to hang on to myself during these years, i didn't try my hardest to blend in with the rest because i'm different. we're not the same, you listen here you. don't even think for one second i'll pretend to be like the rest of you, leading your shallow and bimbotic lives.
what is up with me? i have to act, in front of my own family. i can't let them know, ever, how i've changed. i think part of me is becoming mad. when i cry, i cry hysterically, i just can't stop. it's not those kind of sob-sob-oh-i'm-done crying. it's the type where your breath comes out in short intervals, your shoulders shake uncontrollably, you start to hiccup. it's horrible when you can't stop. then when i laugh, i just can't seem to stop the laughter from spilling out, my chest hurts; as though i'm trying to laugh my life out of my body. it's from one extreme to the other. it scares me. but i'm changing.
after breaking down in public yesterday, i was so embarrassed i wanted to go home. but no, my aunt wouldn't let me. she wanted me to pretend as though nothing happened because it would show that i'm ok. i'm not ok! i have never been! i was only pretending to make all of you feel better! sigh. so i had to go along. i was worried sick what a wreck i looked like, so as i walked about the throng of crowds, i looked at the floor.
they released me into the gates of kino and i quickly made my way to the washrooms. i snuck into one of those in a corner and locked the door. no i didn't cry, i had enough of that. i slept. yes i slept in the washroom cubicle. no, it wasn't smelly. i think i slept for about an hour? i felt better and my eyes were back to normal. i composed myself and proceeded to do what they expected me to do. to shop and buy something.
shopping is therapeutic but it only alleviates the pain for a fleeting moment. i bought "the life of pi" by yann martel and two of my japanese manga books and a decorative pen. at least i can immerse myself in reading. i miss reading, i miss curling up on my bed among the dusty soft toys and reading through the night. i miss how i picture the scenes like a movie in my head with my imagination, how i gasp or feel sad, horrified, glad whenever something happens to the characters.
i had to continue with my act. i had to spend the rest of the day with them. i had to apologise to my eldest aunt for being rude. i can't be rude. i can't throw a tantrum. i can't be mean. i have to be happy. i can't be angry. i have to be nice, polite, cheerful. i don't want to be. yet i don't want to be an outcast. because then everyone would have families except me.
my aunt told me how one day, when i was nearly 3 years old, i started bawling at the top of my lungs for no reason. no one scolded me, no one provoked me, i just wanted to cry. so i hid in the room, closed the door and cried for nearly half-an-hour. she told me, they kept asking me what the matter was but i didn't want to tell them. she said, i'm still the same. i don't want to tell them anything, that's why they don't know what i want. while i was crying in the room, she said "siao char bo" (mad woman) and i cried louder, or so she says. i finally stopped crying and when i came out, i said, "i don't want to cry anymore." hmm... was that really me? i supposed i've continued doing that. that was funny when i heard it, i was like this even as a young child.
i can't, i won't, let anyone know what i'm really thinking. because they wouldn't, couldn't even understand. they would turn on me and say, "why do you think like this?", "after all i've done for you?". never.
*loves and hates
loves this layout
loves the OC
hates falling
*songlist
Everywhere you go. Shawn Mullins.
Lullaby. Shawn Mullins.
Sail Away. Vertical Horizon.
I don't want to be. Gavin Degraw.
Storybook Life. Blessed Union of Soul.
Someday. Nickelback.
Grow Up. Garbage.
Higher. Creed.
Back Here. Bbmak.
Pinch Me. Smashmouth.
Dare to Live. Switchfoot.
I think God can explain. Splendor.
Jaded. Aerosmith.
It's all been done. Barenaked Ladies.
Save Me. Unwritten Law.