oh wow, guess who came online?? my "older brother"! or 'kor' or rather 'gor'(phonetically). imagine, i was just thinking about him. i'm glad i went into icq. no one ever goes there except him, haha.
i ask him if he misses me. as i read our message history, i realised that usually,
he would be the one asking me whether
i missed him. haha. it seems like only yesterday i met him. i was a bored girl of 14 being crappy and asking for a 'kor'. he was a darn smart rugger doing his 'O's. surprising how he found so much time to go online. oh i forget(this is on purpose), he's darn tootin' smart.
most of the time, he would accompany me into the late night/early morning. he would be mulit-tasking, studying while chatting, typing out an email while chatting, talking on the phone while studying or chatting while chatting(hey wait, that's not mulit-tasking!).
i cringe for a while because back then, i sounded like a ditzy, singaporean englishy ah-lian who uses too much singlish. heh. it's ok, i've grown a lot since then. even now as i type in perfectly sound english, i always feel it isn't good enough. something is lacking. it's like i have the exoskeleton but the internal skeleton is flimsy.
anyway, back to my special friend. i remember he said how much we had in common, how i lamented about school, how he tried to understand and provide constructive criticism. we seemed to have never-ending coversations about everything under the sun, till the wee hours of the night. i always had so much crap to say and he always replied.
when he went to jc, i saw him online less frequently. when i became a sec 4 this year, he became a j2. i don't know if we drifted apart but i know i was always, and still am, worried that he would find me a nuisance, a childish person and that he would ignore me, like so many of my closer friends.
i'm worried about retribution. now i know, i'm worried that those whom i really have a rapport with will treat me the same way as i will treat some people as i leave school. but i'm sorry, i have to do that. i have to be detached from my past in order to move forward. my past is holding me back like an anchor to a ship. in order to move further and faster, i have to release the weight.
well, i just pray he doesn't do that to me. that he remains the same kor, that he still calls me rachie, that he still cares. he's promised to talk to me after his exams, well, he'd better. or i'll never ever forgive him. haha no, of course i will. it's difficult to find the right words which can abundantly capture the essences of my friendships. no words will ever be enough. my friends always mean more to me than they think they do. thanks guys.
